‘Language of gods’ is the phrase used to describe MUSIC in a song by Nach, a rapper from Spain. I have to agree with him, although I would change the last part of the phrase to ‘language of God’. I will explain why.
Since I was very small I was introduced to music. Over the years it has walked beside me like a good friend who is always there for me and never leaves my side. I matured in it from my childhood piano classes, to being able to write songs and play not only in church, but also to sing in bands that performed concerts for more than a thousand people. Many times friends and pastors prayed for me and confirmed that this was a God-given gift that I had to use for His adoration and for people that don’t yet know Him. I’ve always thought of it as a very important part of my life, but I was just about to find out how important it was going to be.
A couple of years back I moved to England to carry on with my studies after high school. I gave up the comfort of living with my family to go to a place I had known when I was younger, but was unknown to me in many ways. God opened many doors in order for me to go, housing, work, a good university, a supportive church, good friends. I had many reasons to be thankful.
Things started changing, and although I don’t recall a specific event that triggered these changes, my life started to change drastically. Without noticing I had become a girl whose whole daily routine was centered in how much I ate and how much I exercised. It was like a virus had entered my whole system and controlled everything I did. I lost nearly 45 pounds in two weeks, this carried on for months.
Anorexia, the doctors called it, a terrible disease that many relate to vanity but has nothing to do with it. It’s like having a distortion over your eyes, your mind and there is nothing or no one that can change it.
Although people around me saw me thinner, they didn’t relate it to something as bad as an eating disorder. There are many ways to hide your habits. Suddenly you become an expert in hiding, lying, acting and you didn’t even need classes for it. A year went by; I controlled what I ate so much that nothing could alter “my way” of doing things. I would feel that I lost control and had to compensate by doing crazy things like swimming for and hour at 6 AM, then cycling for more than an hour to get to the university, I would then go to the gym, all in one day. For you to get an idea of the depth the virus had reached, I deprived myself of taking communion at church because that piece of bread wasn’t acceptable.
It’s funny how our body works, a sign that it was made by our Creator’s marvelous hands. It got to a point where my body said ENOUGH, I can’t take this deprivation anymore. And from one day to another my need to binge was out of control. All the nutrients, vitamins, carbs, proteins that I had been keeping myself from, suddenly came barging at me, taking the form of binges. I’ve never taken any type of drugs before, but I can assure you that the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night, sweating, needing to eat anything and everything and willing to go to the garbage can for it, is very close to what a drug addict would feel like.
Have you ever felt guilt? That heavy overwhelming weight that guilt leaves inside you and although you try to deny it, it lives inside you and it shows? Well, I felt it. And although I won’t give you many details of everything this new phase brought, I was now dealing with bulimia. Depression, physical health problems, not being able to concentrate in class, distancing myself from people, wanting to give up and guilt, that was the combo this disease brought to me. I thought about taking my life many times, and started thinking of how I was going to do it.
One night I had a dream, I dreamt that because of my constant vomiting, I started to throw up blood and lost my voice completely; ruined my throat and therefore I wasn’t able to sing any more. What? Was this really happening? It was like taking my two eyes from me, because I saw the world through music. I expressed myself through music. I WAS because of music. It was like from one day to the other I wouldn’t be able to speak any more, or people wouldn’t be able to hear me anymore. I was failing at what God had planed for me. The only task he had given me in this world. Dead silence.
So I said, “Stop!” This can’t continue any more. I have no idea what I have to do to get out of this, but I’m going to try everything. I can’t fail God in the most important “job” He gave me. So the next day, I went to visit a doctor and told him everything, I shouted for help.
For many years I regretted everything that happened, blamed myself for the two years I had lost to the eating disorder, all the money spent on food, the time spent crying locked in my room alone, everything. I had to leave England, come back to Bolivia, (my country) to have help from doctors, psychologists and my family. I had to leave my career, my friends, and my future there to start again after many years of treatment and recovery. Only now, about ten years later do I understand the purpose of everything. I’ve been able to help girls with the same problems, to speak to them face to face not only as a psychologist that understands the subject, but as a person that had been through all the pain and tears. I can now write songs that empower women and people in general reminding them that if they trust God, He will always turn the worst situations into something good. He loves us unconditionally, yes UNCONDITIONALLY. Speaking not only using theory, but true life experiences, is how God can reconstruct and transform someone that once was dead into a beautiful being.
So, this is how God used music to save my life.
Music, the language that God chose to speak to me and make me understand.
To view Yare perform a contemporary Christian Song, click the link below to YouTube